More Life Coming Up, After the Break(down)

Piper Jolly
A young girl with Tourette Syndrome
Shannon Kernaghan
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 Lineup subject to change
when the bullet hits my bone.
After download is complete,
bundle my flesh on a funeral pyre
surrounded by every piece of obsolete hardware
that carries my fingerprints, my DNA,
and witness my glorious combustion.

Shannon Kernaghan cartoon-beaver-colored-400 Home
I’m Sorry, I’m Canadian

Canadians must be a sorry lot because they’re always saying they’re sorry. When I bumped into a woman at the grocery store, she was the first to apologize even though it was my fault. No contest,

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Shannon Kernaghan resting-bitch-face-400 Home
Your Resting Bitch Face Scares Me!

Can’t we all just get along? No. At least not at work. An online poll of 2,000 adults revealed that 22% despise their colleagues. That’s strong language! Cranky people obviously responded to the poll. Those who enjoy arranging staff birthday parties and NONE OF

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Shannon Kernaghan wooden-leg-400 Home
A Wooden Leg Does Not a Pirate Make

In 1978 President Jimmy Carter proclaimed the first Sunday in September after Labor Day as National Grandparents’ Day. The idea originated from a woman in West Virginia whose motivation was to persuade grandchildren to listen and

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Shannon Kernaghan Star_Hollywood-Here-I-DONT-Come_Kernaghan Home
Hollywood, Here I DON’T Come!

I know why I’m not a Hollywood celebrity – I don’t have “star drive,” that necessary trait for a person to succeed on the stage or screen. I also lack another key factor: talent. Sure, I’ve

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Shannon Kernaghan Confessions-of-list-400 Home
Confessions of a List-oholic

I envy my husband. He lives a list-free existence. Paul never makes a to-do list and has no plans to start. Me? He calls me a “list junky.” For appointments and meetings, that info goes straight

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Shannon Kernaghan Im-not-a-patient-400 Home
I’m Not a Patient Patient

I admire my current doctor and her no-nonsense approach to my body when I haul it into her clinic for my annual check. Her quiet inspection is appreciated because any gasps, giggles or “hmms” would make

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Shannon Kernaghan valentines-oh-poo Home
This Valentine’s Day, Oh Poo!

If you trace the origins of Valentine’s Day, you won’t find a pretty picture. One legend claims that a Roman priest named Valentine was executed on February 14, 269 AD, for marrying couples against the advice

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Shannon Kernaghan Bad-Santa-400 Home
Bad Santa

What’s the worst gift you ever received? Is it hard for everyone to open a bad Christmas gift and pretend to be excited? I’ll never win an Oscar for acting because the moment I unwrap a

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Shannon Kernaghan Stoopid-ass-GPS-600 Home
My GPS has PMS

I need more direction in life. I’m not talking about spiritual, relationship or career guidance but actual direction, as in navigating from point A to B. My problem is I lack a sense of direction many are born with and take for granted.

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Shannon Kernaghan Stop-Confusing-Your-Pumpkin-451 Home
Stop Confusing Your Pumpkins

I can’t understand the rationale behind applying special Halloween make-up and then dunking your head in a tub of communal water, all for the prize of grabbing an apple. I need more incentive. When I was

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Copy That, Crispy Chicken Lady

Once upon a dance floor I partied late into the night, and I garnered the occasional nickname. Sometimes I was called Peaches, and for a brief period I was Sweet Thing or Honey Bunny. One guy called me Foxy Lady, which may

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Shannon Kernaghan Surf-bug400 Home
Catch the Wave!

I like ladybugs as much as the next person. Finding one inside your home is said to be a sign of good luck. But I like a few of them, not a virtual infestation. Last fall,

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Super Bug? Meet Super Traveler

When I started traveling in my teens, half of my luggage contained beauty products – bulky hot rollers, make-up by the bucket and a spectrum of nail polishes. My suitcase needed layers of duct tape to

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Shannon Kernaghan Honey-Dew-list-400 Home
Can You Hear Me Now?

Listening is an under-rated art form. There’s a wise saying that people should listen twice as much as they talk, considering they have two ears for every mouth. When I read the report that men listen

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Shannon Kernaghan Simple-Life-400 Home
A Simple Life? Good Luck with That!

I choose a simple, uncomplicated life. The proof is in my medicine cabinet. That is, you won’t find much in the way of treasure. But you will find a bottle of skin lotion. Whether or not the promise of fewer wrinkles and

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Shannon Kernaghan Birthday-cake-400 Home
When Wooden Vultures Rule

Summer is a time to enjoy Farmer’s Markets, water sports and local festivals. It’s also a chance to celebrate an activity synonymous with fun – setting up your lawn ornaments. While walking past a yard recently, I stopped and stared at wooden tulips, Little Bow

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Shannon Kernaghan Shannon-at-the-slots-400 Home
Winning Loser? Avoid Las Vegas

I suffer from an anatomical shortfall: I was born without the lucky bone. Like the inert patient in the game Operation, I’m stuck with a wish bone. What’s as bad as your own failure with gambling?

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Shannon Kernaghan Shannon-and-the-jar Home
Cracked Bottoms & Missing Heads

You’ve heard this before: one person’s junk is another’s treasure. I’d hoped to find some serious pickings when Paul and I traveled to an advertised swap meet. I thought swap meet equated garage sale or flea

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Shannon Kernaghan Borscht-for-Post-400 Home
Slow Down & Smell the Borscht

My friend  gave me a book entitled In Praise of Slow by Carl Honoré. The author investigates the phenomenon of slow living – slow food, cooking, traveling, napping and sex. Honoré writes that going slow is a

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Shannon Kernaghan Clutter-400 Home
Stop Cluttering My Mind

There’s a lot of chatter about clutter. The subject is explored on talk shows and dissected in “how-to avoid it” articles. When I spent the day helping a friend unpack at her new home, she told me she needs to hold

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Shannon Kernaghan Bare-Facts-on-Bikinis-8-e1497811785676 Home
Bear Facts on Bikinis

Some believe that life imitates art. For me, life imitates news. I read a piece on the myriad of distractions that drivers face on today’s roads. Any number of activities, both inside the vehicle and out, can

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Shannon Kernaghan Fathers-Day-scent-2017 Home
Don’t Sniff It on Father’s Day

My father’s primary loves were his family, his pets and his television store, in varying order. No doubt that love toggled, depending on which source offered the most pleasure, the least annoyance. Although I was less

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Shannon Kernaghan Shannon-flying-with-Howard Home
Push-Up Bra under a Spruce Goose

Missions. We all have them. Some of us are driven to distraction by them. Howard Hughes is a perfect example of a man with missions. When you inherit your father’s tool company and become a millionaire at age

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Shannon Kernaghan wed-4 Home
Hula Girl Chucks Her Chastity Belt

I’m in the mood for another stagette. At my last, the highlight prop of the eve was a metal chastity belt for the betrothed. This locking chain device was straight from a tickle trunk of the Spanish Inquisition. The belt didn’t

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Shannon Kernaghan Grammar-Slammer-400 Home
Beware the Grammar Slammer

Here’s a frightening thought – grammar is a window into your soul. It’s not what you say as much as how you say it. And it’s not only what you utter, but what you type into your computer. Yikes! After

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Shannon Kernaghan Spy-on-Girl-4 Home
My Beer is Child-Lite

I don’t want children. My decision is not for physical or political reasons, or because I had a rotten childhood. It’s simply a personal decision. I refer to myself as child-free. If I call myself child-less,

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Shannon Kernaghan Moms-gun-4 Home
Mother’s Day Guns & Ammo

With Mother’s Day this Sunday, all of you children – and you know who you are – should honor your mothers. If you don’t want to praise her with fancy dinners or gifts of perfume and

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Shannon Kernaghan Caved-In-4 Home
Caved In

“He’s not waking, should we get him to Emerg?” a nurse asked. “No, he hasn’t seized,” said another. “Give him a minute.” Emerg? Seized? I tasted my morning coffee, now bitter. He suddenly opened his eyes

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Shannon Kernaghan Humphrey-400 Home
Real Dogs

I like to attend an occasional Kennel Club show, not because I prefer purebreds but because I marvel at how people fuss over their canines. At a previous show, Paul and I spoke with a woman

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Shannon Kernaghan Hear-me-Flush Home
Hear Me Flush

There are days when I crave a simple life, one that features a scenic stroll or laughing with my favorite people over wine and food. Since I’m not a paragliding, jet skiing, bungee jumping thrill seeker,

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Shannon Kernaghan Octopus-timing Home
Octopus Boy Rocks

The announcer referred to the winner as an American hero. “The game is immaculate,” he said. “It’s the game of the people, and it’s the only game people are equipped to play from birth.” The tools?

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Shannon Kernaghan Feng-Shui-e1493591897179 Home
Feng Shui, Meet My Dragon

Feng shui = wind + water. Feng shui = the Chinese art or practice of positioning objects, especially buildings and furniture, based on a belief in patterns of yin and yang and the flow of chi that

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Shannon Kernaghan Hardening-of-the-Articles_image Home
Hardening of the Articles

The English language gets pretty much taken for granted until I hear the word “sativate” used twice within thirty seconds. “When he walked through the chocolate factory he sativated. The smell of all that chocolate had

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Shannon Kernaghan bare-butt-cook-e1493311398574 Home
Great Escape, Skimpy Dress Code 

A few years ago I read how a chimpanzee named Judy escaped from her cage at the Little Rock Zoo in Arkansas. She had her chance when a keeper left the door of her sleeping quarters open. Judy’s flight to freedom wasn’t

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Shannon Kernaghan Sushi-model-400 Home
Good Vibrations

After the shopping is finished, Paul steers our car in the direction of home. My stomach grumbles. Hungry?” Paul asks. “Where do you want to eat? “I don’t care, you?” This is the ping pong we

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