Feng Shui, Meet My Dragon

Feng shui = wind + water.

Feng shui = the Chinese art or practice of positioning objects, especially buildings and furniture, based on a belief in patterns of yin and yang and the flow of chi that have positive and negative effects.

Feng shui = two words I can never remember how to spell.

The positioning advice doesn’t end with buildings and furniture. For optimum luck and wealth, I’ve been advised to hold my handbag on the left side. Apparently more will enter than leave.  That’s because the left side of my body is a “green dragon” and everyone knows that green dragons bring power.

All handbag-carrying people should make that adjustment right now . . . wait, I’m right-handed. That means if I carry a purse on my left arm, I can access my wallet with ease. Open and dip, repeat as necessary. Picture me reaching for the cold cash of my green dragon. Are those its scales my sleeve just snagged? Nope, merely half a forgotten granola bar.

Feng shui is big business, at least for those who believe in its powers. A woman named Gwen in San Diego teaches FS classes to help people learn how yin and yang can create perfect harmony for wealth, health and relationships.

I’m already at work on the wealth part, with my purse slung to the left  . . . wait, is the muscle in my left arm supposed to be twice as large as my right? I really must pare down my purse contents.

Gwen says, “You will learn how to use the ancient feng shui to capture your Prince Charming. I will share with you my secret of how I used feng shui to capture my husband 33 years ago.”

Save your price of admission. I’ll tell you how Gwen captured her Prince Charming. Years ago she went on a blind date with a man. Gwen invited him back to her place because she wasn’t about to let a good catch slip through her fingers. Not after all the frogs she’d kissed.

She mixed him a Screwdriver (this is before mojitos and micro brewed beers) and dimmed the lights. Her trap was nearing completion. While Prince Charming was using the washroom – citrus drinks always aggravate his bladder – Gwen consulted the rule book of feng shui and quickly rearranged the room.

Poor Prince tripped on a piece of modular furniture on the way to her bean bag chair. He suffered from amnesia and two days after the bandages were removed, he found himself walking down the aisle with a woman named Gwen, who always carried her purse on the left.

Now that Gwen did the husband capturing, she’s focusing on the wealth part. The proof is in her web site –  www.fengshuisandiego.com. Every time you switch to a different page you’ll hear the clinking of coins.

I couldn’t resist scanning her testimonials. Here’s one from Bradley: “Since we painted the door, the spa has been doing great!” And this from Liz: ”Just to let you know that after I arranged my desk the way you instructed, my business picked up immediately.”

Painted the door? Shifted some furniture? Sounds like these people didn’t need a feng shui expert, but a spruce up.

I’ve arranged my desk many times. No additional business has magically appeared although I did find the other half of that granola bar.

Gwen’s backed herself up with a disclaimer: “We make no claims to absolute effectiveness and success. Gwen and Associates are not responsible or liable to any loss or damages caused by following any of the suggestions in our readings and services.”

Although I’m comforted by a good disclaimer, I’ll stick with the knapsack I carry on my back. It takes more energy to reach for my wallet. That means less is going out because the effort to make a purchase is increased. Inconvenience + laziness = less spending. That’s my feng shui.

As for the green dragon, I’ve learned to love him, powerful or not. He’s lucky that dragons are on the endangered species list or I’d turn him into an adorable handbag faster than you can say “hogwash.”

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